aileyyyy

daytime drama
and the rush flow pull of
our painted scenery
means nothing to me.
i see nothing
but shadows shapes and disguises
blurring our lines.
where we begin
and where the eternal ends
is a lie.

there is nothing more to you
than your smoldering heart
gasping for sparks
anything to feel
one more time..
anything to feel
before i go

the wild stars
and suspended sky
smile so honestly
our eyes burn shrivel and turn inwards
forgetting the searing beautiful light
of a day uncalculated and passed
discarded and lost
always forgotten
turns its face and transforms into
always new

its one of those nights when im sitting up at 2 in the morning thinking and thinking and reaching no conclusions. Why does my love for someone have to be cut up and mixed around and torn apart by the prejudices of other people? Why can't i judge by my own standards? My judgements are constantly being influenced by what I think other people think is wrong, right, or acceptable. I am also realizing that writing may be the only thing that makes me feel things to the fullest and explore my brain. It always has. I wish I could jump back in to the moments of 2 or 3 years ago when I would sit at my computer and feel things and then inject their fluid into words, vitalizing them and making them grow.

I have met a boy named Kevin. He is running around my brain screwing everything up and making me fall in love with him. Is this what its like to fall in love? Perhaps its the fact that we had sex a week ago. Or that our relationship started with sex. Or it was my first time (kind of, my real first time was horrible, so i dont really count it). He may be the most intelligent person I know. He is very much like me. Which I'm not sure will turn out to be a good thing. I'm not sure if I'm attracted to him. Like...looking at him. Am I attracted to that face? The shaggy hair? The almond-shaped, long, thin, eyes? I could describe him forever. And I will. Because its my livejournal. And I can.

He is a normal height for a 19 year old. Scrawny. Hardly any muscle. When he smiles the corners of his mouth go directly to the side, not up. He has the most beautiful color of brown eyes. They're light, while his hair is dark. His glasses shield them, but when we're alone and i can really see them..they're absolutely beautiful. His skin is light, telling of his indoor lifestyle. He is possibly the least athletic person I know. But his skin also has an olive tint to it, suggesting that if he wished he could become darker than I could ever hope to be. His eyebrows are dark, unruly masses. They almost touch his eyes and give his face it's somewhat awkwardness. Everything about him is somewhat awkward. The way he stands. The way he walks. The way he smiles. I like the way he smiles. I like making him laugh. He makes me laugh alot. I like the fact that I feel that any thought or revelation or odd remark could be understood by him. I'm going to go read some of his poetry right now.

He writes. He writes. I write. Is that enough to base a relationship on? Is it? Is everything about me and everything about him supposed to click!? Sometimes when I read his writing I find it pretentious. Like like like he really knows what's going on. Does he? I feel as if he has the same faulty feeling of being of higher intelligence than everybody else just like my brother and I do at times.

He was with this girl jeannine for 3 years. And he was in love with her. And and probably still is. Definitely still is. Why am I getting into someone who is still in love a girl who I would probably fall for if I was a guy? WHY. but but
i like him.
i cant get around it. no matter what excuses or judgements i make about him, the simple fact is...i like him. and..apparently..he likes me too. he told me he loved me. but
he doesnt.
he definitely doesnt. maybe
he could.
it feels nice to know that i could read him my brother's poetry and he would understand why it makes me cry. i wonder
if he feels like he can tell me things. i'm seeing him tomorrow. i told him i needed to figure out how i felt about him. hopefully that happens. god i feel so JUMBLED and giddy. i am ready to love someone. i just hope this is it. i hope its him. i hope hes able to love me like he loved jeannine. 3 years. thats a really
really lllong time. could i love someone for that long? can i even understand what that means?

im feeling so much better. i absolutely adore my friends so so much. i honestly dont know where i would be if i didnt have that support system always behind me.

i love tina fey. aahhaha..sarah palin. you bring so much amusement into my life. i thank you.

FREAKS AND GEEKS
FREAKS AND GEEKS
FREAKS AND GEEKS

and the oc :(.

i feel congested. in my nose in my head in my stomach in my soul in my life. everything's jumbled and red and painful. i want to blow my life's nose. i'm wading through my days in fog of headaches and lack of sleep. i know what i want but i can't will my limbs to change their routines. i'm the train trying to change the course of my tracks.

nice metaphor..iknow. i feel inside out.

wow i havent written in here for a while. it's really very exciting every time i come back, something has always changed on the website. this is not the livejournal i poured my embellished soul into during middle school. but it is livejournal all the same. it's a proven fact, things only appear to be changing. i've grown physically and mentally from my 13 year old self, but i don't really believe i am that different. i still feel insecure, afraid of the future, and a strange longing for something i still haven't pinpointed or named. i am jaded, but still hold the part of me that hasn't been touched close to me. I refuse to let my innocence slide even while the world tells me i'm worth nothing until i've been thouroughly violated. but now i'm slipping into other things. i just hate the fact that my first sexual experiences were tainted by expectations and criticisms from society's version of intimacy.

LIFE IS GOOD. i miss elle. now i must go to dinner!  night, lovejournal.

i wrote a long update, but i got deleted. and theres no way im typing it again. bye!

i got in touch with the guy ive been seeing a bit of lately and was happy to hear that he was excited to hear my voice as much i was his. i don't think i've ever been plunged into liking someone as quickly as this and it's definitely exciting, though a bit disorienting. i've never felt so completely nervous about texting someone, but as i tried over and over again to find the perfect words to just say hello my stomach writhed and i felt almost faint. it's terrible! but i wouldnt give it up for anything.

urrrg i miss him haha i really cant stand it. as elle said..we are just being teenagers doing teenager things like being in love. i spent my childhood trying to be an adult and for now i just wanna be what i am. 16 and completely unknowing about everything. i accept the fact that mostly everyone older than me probably knows more than i do, with some exceptions. but that doesn't stop me at all from challenging them and being completely insolent to my elders most of time. how else will i learn what i truly believe?

i do like being somewhat ignorant of how the world is. i don't think i'm ready for the cold truths of adulthood. i still have the excuse of being young and stupid. soon enough that excuse will run out and i'll be faced with the weight of my decisions. that's not a day i'm highly anticipating.

overall, it's aalllll good.

hayhAY i thought this was would be an interesting question to answer so i nicked it from elle's journal and popped it into my own.

pop.

i love waking up to sun drenched mornings knowing i'm going to enjoy the things i have to do with my day. i love long, intense rehearsals with a fun cast and a non-abusive director. i love all night bonfires at maria's in her backyard, sitting with people who love talking about life just as much as i do. i love talking about life. i like it when i haven't been thinking about my breathing for a while, i inhale deeply and suddenly breathing feels like the most beautiful thing in the world. i love under the tuscan sun because it never fails to make my day a little brighter e piu italiano. Amo imparare and parlare italiano. i love it when i see him in school and he gets so excited that all i can do is laugh. i love laughing! i love funny people because i love laughing. i love the feeling after genuinely laughing that i get in my chest. it feels like air is rising, or like i'm literally holding light between my ribs.

i used to love more things i think. but overall i just love moments that come and go but leave an impression. i guess that's really all we can ask for as humans. a few good moments, but also a few bad ones to remind us how good the good ones really are. 

Hello again, Livejournal. I've been gone for a while but here I am again, ready to document some more of this life. I made another journal mostly because Elle has one and said I should probably get one too.

I think I missed writing here! I like writing without any real reason to knowing it will reach other human beings. Maybe that's why diary writing doesn't really do it for me. Maybe I only want to explain myself if I know someone else is there to explain to.

It's 12:50 am on Easter Monday and I'm listening to Lua by Bright Eyes and wishing things were different. Not most things. Just a few select situations I'd like to alter. Mostly they are alterable (if that's a word) but mostly I am too afraid to do what I want to do most. Most most most. Atonement was disappointing. Life was too. I'm still waiting for the happy ending I was promised by Disney. I won't forget the countless afternoons I was soaked in unhealthy expectations. Will anyone? Maybe the divorce rate is rising because of sad women who were once attentive girls, learning their lessons of love from Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty. Surprise! Marriage is hard. And not always happy. The most you may get is rewarding.

But I still hope, which shows how much unlearning I still have to do.